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"This doesn't suit me"... a magic phrase that protects your mental health
Over the years, one practices softening their refusal, filling it with reasons and apologies to provide a detailed justification for the other party to decide whether they have the right to respect their boundaries. Examples include using phrases like "I can't, because...", "I'd like to, but...", "I'm sorry, it's just...", then waiting for their excuse to be evaluated and their logic tested, before either being allowed to refuse or having their arguments refuted until they concede.
According to Global English Editing , psychology suggests there's a better phrase. A phrase that changes everything and is said calmly, without any justification: "This doesn't suit me." No explanation. No apology, no room for negotiation; it's simply a clear and complete statement of position.
Setting limits without explanation
Many people are raised from a young age to believe that setting boundaries without explanation is rude, selfish, or aggressive. This upbringing didn't come from nowhere; it stemmed from environments where saying "no" was met with reprimand, punishment, or the loss of affection. If someone grows up believing that rejection is unacceptable unless they can justify it, they internalize a belief that continues to dominate their adult life: that their comfort is negotiable unless they can prove otherwise.Psychotherapist Pete Walker, who specializes in complex trauma, refers to this pattern as the "flattery response"—a fourth trauma reaction alongside fight, flight, and freeze. Flattery involves pleasing others to the point of disconnecting from one's own feelings, needs, and boundaries in order to maintain security in relationships.
Walker described the "friendly" type as a personality type that seeks security by aligning with the desires and demands of others, as if the price of entering a relationship is relinquishing their own needs, rights, and preferences. This is not kindness, but rather a survivalist behavior that remains active even after the danger has passed.
Explaining personal boundaries
The problem with explaining personal boundaries is that making excuses when setting boundaries does not strengthen them, but rather weakens them.
As Psychology Today explains, over-explaining signals that boundaries are open to negotiation. When someone says, "I can't come because I have an appointment early in the morning," they've given the other person an excuse to argue. They might say, "It'll be quick," or "Come on, just an hour." They've been given the tools to reject the apology.
But when someone says "This doesn't suit me" and stops talking, there's no room for argument. The response then becomes the person's opinion, and it cannot be refuted or debated; it's simply a fact.
Emotional effort
When someone justifies setting a limit, they are communicating a decision and engaging in a small, tiring act of managing their emotions. They formulate an explanation that seems logical, anticipate objections, monitor the other person's reaction, adjust their tone of voice to avoid appearing cold, and manage their feelings regarding their limit.
Sociologist Arley Hochschild termed this type of emotional performance "emotional effort," the work a person does to manage their outward emotional appearance to meet the expectations of a situation. In this case, he identified a very costly form of performance called superficiality, where a person displays emotions they don't actually feel. Every time someone smiles dismissively at something that bothers them,or apologizes for setting boundaries they have every right to do, they are engaging in superficiality.
Research consistently shows that superficiality is linked to emotional exhaustion, anxiety, and depression. While saying "that's not right for me" without explanation isn't rude, it's a refusal to expend unnecessary emotional effort for someone else's comfort.
nervous system
When a person practices setting boundaries without justification, something changes over time. Their nervous system gradually learns that clarity doesn't lead to disaster. Guilt diminishes, and tension lessens. The person develops what is known in psychology as assertiveness—the ability to express needs clearly without aggression or negativity. It's not a personality trait that one either possesses or lacks; it's a skill. And like any skill, it grows stronger with practice.
Self-determination theory, developed by psychologists Richard Ryan and Edward Deci, identifies three basic psychological needs: autonomy, competence, and belonging. Of these three, autonomy—the feeling that one's actions stem from one's own choice and are not subject to external pressures—is perhaps the most closely linked to setting boundaries. Therefore, the statement "This isn't right for me" reasserts a person's autonomy, because it means: "I've already made up my mind. I'm not asking for your approval; I'm simply letting you know."
Research within the framework of self-determination consistently shows that when individuals' needs for autonomy are met, they experience greater well-being, resilience, and overall mental health. Conversely, when autonomy is suppressed—when individuals feel controlled or coerced—well-being declines.
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